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One may ask, “Why should I love loudly?” Well, have you ever been enjoying a beautiful piece of music, only to have a sudden, pesky interruption?  Perhaps that interruption is the ring of a door bell or telephone. Maybe it’s a request or a demand for action, which surely could have come at much more convenient time. Whatever the disruption, it distracts you from that moment of musical enjoyment, personal peace, and quiet satisfaction—an intrusion to your contentment, your serenity. The only possible way to re-focus on the music and get back to that moment of relaxation is to turn up the volume and blast your tunes. “I’m busy in my moment of serenity with my music…leave me alone.”

Parents have a tendency to be strongly influenced by their social surroundings.  Often, these surroundings may appear to provide negative feedback, making parents feel that they are inferior—the not quite “good enough” sort of parents.  Take an evening out to dinner with the family for example, when a child suddenly spills a glass of water all over the table.  Instantly the parent may feel as if every pair of eyes within the restaurant is critically trained on their table, everyone judging and whispering about their parental abilities. When the waitress comes to help clean up, the parent can’t help but want to diffuse all this perceived judgment with, “I just can’t take her anywhere,” or “He is such a klutz.” Yet, while the parent looks to deflect blame for that one moment, the child forms a much deeper, lasting belief: “Mom doesn’t want to take me anywhere,” or “Dad says there’s something wrong with me.”

As a counselor, I hear parents explain to me that it’s okay to make these potentially disparaging remarks in front of their children, because the child knows that they love them. This is usually told to me right after I have separately interviewed their child, who tells me that they just wish their parent would love them again.  When I ask the child why they think their parent doesn’t love them anymore, they talk about comments the parent made at the restaurant, or to the neighbor’s parents, or the teacher at school.  Usually, these remarks were meant to cover up a parent’s embarrassment for their child’s natural mistakes.  The parent takes responsibility for the child’s learning process, but in turn makes the child feel like they are the mistake rather than a person who is learning from their errors.

When this happens, love needs to come into the picture and it all comes down to conversation. Say the child is acting out or making some really unnecessary mistakes. A parent might ask, “What’s going on?” This is the moment when the parent needs to hear, “I don’t think you love me anymore,” and asks, “Why?” instead of giving the general response, “Of course I do!”

In this way, when listening to their child’s perceptions of the statements that cause the child to feel so un-loveable, the parent should know it’s time to turn up their volume and love loudly.