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Have you ever felt like a failure as a mom?  I don’t think I am the only mom who has ever felt this way.  So many times I’ve felt I’m making more mistakes than I should, especially after getting angry and irritated over something my child did.  Sometimes the feeling is worse when he’s hurt by something I said; either I never meant him to take it that way or I have absolutely no idea how to handle his behavior or emotions.   I would often feel like a total failure, my heart aching with every moment of it.  I felt that ache whenever he started down a path of behavior that I didn’t understand and had no idea of how to handle it.  I felt at such a loss with things, but was it fair to feel that I was a failure as well?

Have I imposed this belief onto myself, or do I believe that this is how I’m perceived by those around me?  What is failure anyway?  Is failure when my child is not meeting my dreams and goals for their life?  Is it because he is making choices that have negative consequences and I’m taking the responsibility for him not making better choices?

It is so easy for me to look back at situations and feel horrible about how I handled it.  I find my mind wandering, envisioning it in a completely different way and determining how I would handle it now.   I’m beating myself up for not being the perfect parent, for not having all of the right answers, as though I should have known better.  Yes, there were times that I handled things based on my emotional state alone, not thinking about what was going on emotionally inside my child. Yet, I had always wanted to be a good parent. I simply did what I knew how to do and what I thought was right.

The reality is, that just because we are parents, does not mean we have all of the answers or that we always know how to handle a situation.  For some reason we seem to think that we should, and so often we don’t talk to others and ask for ideas, suggestions or help.  There were times that I was embarrassed to let others know what was happening because I thought that we were the only ones that this was happening to.

What I’ve learned is that failure is knowing something is wrong but not doing anything about it.  Not knowing how to handle something but looking for solutions is not failure.  When we realize that we don’t have answers, it opens us up to learning.

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If I recognize that there are things that I don’t know or understand, doesn’t that make me a good parent?  When I knew that things were not going the way that they should? Or the times I went looking for help from the people who knew more than me about managing teen behavior or who had successfully raised their own kids; doesn’t that make me a good parent?  When I make changes in myself and change how I handle circumstances and learn to talk differently with my child, doesn’t that make me a good parent?

Why, as moms, are we so hard on ourselves?  I think that sometimes we take responsibility for our children’s missteps, as if they wouldn’t make these mistakes if we were just a better mother!  Being a good mom is allowing them to learn to make their own choices, to make their own mistakes; and, being there to support them and help them to learn from whatever blunders they get themselves into.  Being a good mom is showing them love when we don’t agree with their choices.  Being a good mom is looking for answers and better solutions beyond what we currently think we know.  I believe that we need to take ownership of the mistakes that we’ve made and what we know should have and could have been handled differently.  I also believe that we need to allow ourselves grace and that, even though we haven’t been perfect, we do have the desire to be a great parent.   If you are concerned about whether you are being a good mom, that’s an indicator that you are a good mom!  Take heart and keep looking for ways to improve your relationship and communication with your child, because you are already a great mom!!